We Get It All Wrong, I Get It All Wrong 01/05/2012
It's only five days in to the new year and I'm all ready worn out. I do have goals for the year but I never got that clean slate feel this year. Frankly, my slate is quite smudged, messy and confusing. No matter how magical I think New Years may be.
I was pondering that this morning and had to write down these thoughts before I loose them. Perhaps you will relate and it may encourage you.
"Come unto me" : Wait......um...no wait! I'm supposed to go out with my boot straps on, my yoga pants tied, and Emergen-C pumping through my veins! I'm not supposed to come, I'm supposed to GO right!? I'm supposed to DO!, TO ACHIEVE!, IMPROVE!, GET IT RIGHT THIS TIME!
"...all you who are weary" : Oh, man, I'm so weary. Last year still wears me out! The thought of this year getting accomplished wears me out! The thought of how unorganized I am wears me out! The challenges of parenting and marriage wear me out! Working a job wears me out! Housework wears me out! I'm so very weary. The high I got from New Years went "poof!" when I saw the laundry pile! I've not even got to the other piles yet!
"...and heavy-laden": let's not even go there shall we....? Any talk of scales is unwelcome right now.
"I will give you rest": Rest? What is rest? Who rests anymore? Again, aren't I supposed to be doing doing? When do I have time to rest? Oh, rest sounds nice but it's so not profitable right?
"Take my yoke upon you" : What? Not the yoke of measuring up? Not the yoke of catching up with all Godly type A personalities filling my facebook with notices of their greatness? Not the yoke of disappointing myself over and over? How can I wear another yoke? There are so many around my neck all ready! Wait, does this mean I have to drop them?
"...and learn of me" : Really? Not learn better strategies for living well? Not read an amazing book list of ten books a month that will make me a mommy/wife guru!?
"for I am gentle" : Who is gentle anymore? Where is gentle going to get me? Don't I need you to kick me in the butt all year? To heap me with oppressive guilt that shames me into doing better? Shouldn't gentleness just be a nice disguise for a deeper critical agenda? Who is truly, truly gentle and how could they possibly be?
"...and humble of heart" : Ah, so you DON'T wear that disguise? You truly are humble? How can you be? You are perfection! Are you not proud and therefore appalled by me like the others!? You actually dump out all you are to draw close to me? You actually care enough about me to push all that away for our relationship? Who does that? Am I worth that much to you?
"and you WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOUL" : It's okay then, to rest? To not go but come? To trust you? I can't find it by going, pushing achieving? Surly at some point right? I'll be able to look back and say "awesome, good job!" to myself? Please? I kinda want to... Then I can rest right and have peace so deep it's in my soul? I can win the approval of everyone and that will be so fulfilling right? Don't I get to pat myself on the back at some point? No?
"For MY yoke is easy" : Psha! How is anything easy!? What you really mean is I'll know all the rules to follow finally right? You mean that I have to work on getting to know you while I work on all these other goals and achievements correct?
"...and MY burden is light" : Oh, burdens, I KNOW burdens. I've not found many of them to be light. I've mostly sat in discouragement from the burdens placed upon me my whole life or carried on with crippled steps. You, the creator of the universe provide a light burden for me? One that ends in great fulfillment? One that I'll see the reward for? One that I'll actually BE ABLE to handle? Custom made, just for me? You are aware of what I can take and what I can't? You know what is heavy or light for me?
I just pondered this verse today as I thought about feeling overwhelmed by all there is to do this year. I kept hearing "come to me" , "come to me", "come to me".
I realized I forgot to put one goal, one supreme goal on my list.
First Post! 01/03/2012
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